Saving Your Children From the Trauma

As I am getting "up there in years" (I'm not saying *old* - but just a little closer to Heaven than others), it occurs to me that I do not want our son to have to go through the trauma of dealing with all of our clutter. I just went through three weeks of intensive clutter-busting, and it was *extremely* traumatic for me!!
I was talking about this with my hubby the other night, and we are beginning to realize that all of those projects that we thought we would get to one of these days - may just not make it to fruition. It's time for us to take a more realistic look at the project "bits and pieces" that we have been collecting (hoarding?) for 30+ years and pare down to some more realistic objectives.

Save the Children!!

Why Do People Hoard?

Here are some reasons. I didn't write this, but way too many of them apply to me. WOW!! You'll probably recognize me, when you read those parts...

Can you think of more?

SENTIMENTAL VALUE.
* Now you would expect for these things that are kept to have a purpose, to be meaningful or valuable. But for the person that Hoards, the usefulness and/or value may lay in the most unexpected things. Sentimental value is only 1 of the criteria to keep just about anything. This value is also about feeling the item is part of "you" - or a part of the person who gave it to you, not just an independent object.
MISCONCEPTION: The moment I discard of this item I discard a part of myself or the person who gave it to me.

DECISION MAKING.
* The "What If's" that are so typical of OCD are found here too. Those with Hoarding Behavior find it extremely difficult to make decisions, and end up avoiding having to make any by keeping everything.
"What if I may need this 1 day? Where is the harm in keeping just this 1 extra thing?"
Not having to make the decision of discarding something literally means that they can't make any mistakes while doing so. Sounds simple enough, but how better to avoid making mistakes than to yes, avoid doing things, making decisions. You can't do anything wrong if you don't do anything. Those who don't try can't fail.
MISCONCEPTION: The moment I decide to throw something away I may be making the wrong choice.

ORGANIZING.
* There is also the difficulty with knowing how to organize objects, not being able to see how you would possibly store them in a logical fashion (Which is ironic considering the visual chaos that is created by the Hoarder). But while this chaos may be painfully apparent for outsiders, the hoarder himself often finds some logic in this. To him a pile of junk may very well be the only way he can sense some control and order. If only because the pile will literally be created by stacking what is most important on top.
MISCONCEPTION: The moment I am unable to know how to categorize an item, I will place it in sight so I will know where it is.

RESPONSIBILITY.
* As you may see in OCD, you also have a tendency for people to feel Hyper- Responsible for what is happening around them and the people they care for. With Hoarding this can result in the accumulation of "Just- In- Case" Objects being carried around with them at all times. For me this means hauling a huge purse around that could easily knock anybody out.
* But you also have the obligation of HAVING to use a certain item. This has also been expressed as needing to SAVE an item - but not save, as in save this for later - but save as in RESCUE. Discarding seems to be wasting something and this is why so many items will later on be categorized under "Recycling", "Giving Away" and so on.
MISCONCEPTION: The moment my object has a use, I have to keep/use/save it so it doesn't get wasted.

CONTROL/PERFECTION.
* Then you have the issue of Control/Perfectionism, again so present when looking at OCD. The fact that when you throw something away, it's gone and once the trash will be picked up you will never be able to find this item again.
MISCONCEPTION: The moment you decide to throw something away, you no longer are the person in control and what happens to this item will be in the hands of others.

SCARED OF FORGETTING/PERFECTION.
* Because of the fear of forgetting and the inability to accept that we can't be in total control, items will be kept so that with written/printed material for instance, it can be re- read at all times.
Some will find themselves looking through the garbage, checking if they (or someone else) haven't thrown out something they shouldn't have or resort in writing information down what they see in every- day life, such as license- plate #'s, to make sure the information won't be forgotten. The inability to remember all, becomes the behavior of keeping all within "arm- reach".
Hoarders have been noted to have a greater sense of Perfection than non- Hoarders and will even EXPECT this Perfection whereas others may STRIVE for Perfection.
MISCONCEPTION: The moment you throw something away, you may forget it's content or the way it looked and it will be gone forever.

LETTING GO OF THINGS.
* 1 other point that for me was a motivation to Hoard was the fear of letting go, of moving on. I used to hoard when I was younger, I would keep candy wrappers, elastic bands and small pieces of about..... anything. The idea of loosing things that had even a remotely sentimental value to me, scared me. Because there would be no turning back, no control.
But to me it also had something to do with things being ephemeral, keeping things or parts of them, meant that I would literally prevent them from ceasing to exist, scared that parts of my life may be forever forgotten. So I picked up small stones, leaves and kept notes and bills. I didn't want to let go of my life and forgot there was still much more to come.
All part of being afraid of death.
Letting go of things in life is so needed if we want to experience some sense of freedom, but for someone with OCD this means letting go of the control we want so badly. My items became part of who I was, thus letting go would be letting go of myself.
Today I am still unable to discard or to give away certain items because they are "me", and giving them away would mean part of me would be somewhere else, belong to someone else.
MISCONCEPTION: The moment you throw something away, you let go of that specific part of your life, however insignificant it may be.

What is Hoarding?

I like this definition:

Hoarding is:
* the acquisition of, and failure to discard, a large number of possessions that appear to be useless or of limited value.
* living spaces sufficiently cluttered so as to preclude activities for which those spaces were designed
* significant distress or impairment in functioning caused by the hoarding
* Reluctance or inability to return borrowed items. As boundaries blur, impulsive acquisitiveness could sometimes lead to kleptomania or stealing.

The hoarder may mistakingly believe that the hoarded items are very valuable, or the hoarder may know that they are useless. A hoarder of the first kind may show off a cutlery set claiming it to be made of silver and mother-of-pearl, disregarding the fact that the packaging clearly states the cutlery is made of steel and plastic. A hoarder of the second type may have a fridge filled with food items that expired months ago without ever eating them, but would vehemently resist any attempts from relatives to dispose of the unusable food items. Ee-ewww!

Our First Meeting

OK - so for our first support group meeting, we just kinda talked about the fact that we knew we had this "issue" - and talked about some long-term-ish goals and some short-term goals to use as "homework" for our next meeting. The long-term goals are not for us to worry about yet - but just to have as a carrot to think about in the future. Here are some of the goals we talked about:

Person #1 (that's me) - has a long-term goal of getting her recently cleaned out downstairs bedroom organized as a guest bedroom. For her short-term (homework) goal, she's cleaning out her clutter-collector-chair and clearing off the stairs. Person #1 is ready to get well!!!!!

Person #2 - has a long-term goal of getting all of the moving boxes emptied out and all of the contents in their "home". Her short-term (homework) goal is to recycle/donate the jeans she wore in high school. This was in the 70's, and let's face it: she'll never get back into them. She had an epiphany as we talked - that the reason she was holding onto those jeans was that her mother had bought them for her. It's very common to attach a "person" to a thing - and not be able to "let go" of the "thing", because it would be like letting go of that person. Good work, Person #2!!!
This person is going to take a photo of the jeans - and do a scrapbook page with the photo and with journaling about the way they felt about them - and the realization - and the willingness to let them go.

Person #3 - has a long-term goal of cleaning out his workshop so that he can use the space again. His short-term (homework) goal is to clear off the dining room table and the floor space in his office. He's getting there!

We agreed to meet again in two weeks.